Something a good friend said recently really stuck with me. She is currently going through her nursing rotations at mental health facilities. You know this post is going to go well when my stress levels have made me start to seriously question my sanity.
She basically said the biggest difference between people who are sane vs. crazy people (yes, medically correct term) is that we have better coping mechanisms. The ability to adapt, assimilate, adjust, or whatever you want to call it, makes us behave within and incorporate societal norms, aka not have a psycho smackdown with the next person who bumps into you on the subway.
Think of all the obsessive/neurotic/compulsive/high-maintenance people you know (and tell me who they are next time so I can avoid them), people who have trouble letting things go, freak out over uncomfortable situations... don't they seem crazy?! Slightly? (go ahead and nod)
Except its kind of scary when I really think about it, because I think I've been teetering on the edge of how much I can cope with, and exactly how to cope.
Balancing five classes on top of an internship while job hunting for this summer and attempting to maintain human relationships doesn't really leave much time to myself. Priceless "me" time and "me" thoughts. Not me as a student, me as a potential employee, me as a friend, daughter, sister, classmate. Just me. Time where I can listen to emo songs alone in my room and ponder about life and things like why my lips are always uber chapped no matter how much water I drink. (ahem, first world problems)
Lack of sleep is probably also contributing to this problem. Even on days when I actually have the chance to get more than 3-5 hours of sleep, I physically can't sleep longer because my brain stresses about all the things I have to do, all the things I should be doing instead of sleeping. I wake up constantly throughout most nights and can't fall back asleep.
My enthusiasm is starting to wane, I'm more irritable, stressed out about pointless things, inconsiderate of other people's needs. Which is a huge problem and needs MAJOR addressing. Cuz I don't want to be that bitchy girl who gets mad when someone cuts me in line for coffee. New York really does breed a new race of humanity.
Certain things used to be really effective coping mechanisms... running, writing, baking, music, etc. But I've noticed that lately they've all either started to lose appeal, or doesn't relieve stress anymore.
Especially running. Running used to be the best form of stress relief. It used to be the only time my brain doesn't actually have to work, and I can lace up the sneaks and go, and pound the pavement to some kanye and weezy! But lately it's been turning into a slightly unhealthy form of control. My running performance is one of the few things that I can actively control, and see visible and immediate results. Hence, I'm beginning to care about it a lot more than I should, and improving my speed has become an arbitrary goal.
And what's worse, my appetite has gone down dramatically. Which is weird for someone who is running more. I hardly ever crave anything even when I'm really hungry, and food just doesn't really taste good anymore. Which is atrocious because I LOVE food, and junk food EVEN MORE!!!
So what happens when you start to lose your coping mechanisms? Or when your coping mechanisms actually start adding stress to your life? Early signs of a mental breakdown?
I am aware that I have the ability to change any aspect of my life that I am unhappy with, especially something as straightforward as a lifestyle choice. And it probably sounds a lot worse than it is, like I am going to collapse somewhere on my 10th lap around central park with giant bags under my eyes. It's really not that bad at all, and I'm still definitely aware of how lucky I am to be experiencing everything in my life, and am in no way complaining or feeling ungrateful.
I've just noticed a change in my approach and my mentality, or in other words, how much more I've let stress get to me than I used to.
I am already working on it, cutting myself some slack, taking time to enjoy little things and very importantly, using more chap stick! Obsessiveness is way too exhausting to be a defining characteristic of mine.
I do need a vacation though. Spring Break, you can't come soon enough!
PS. I'm going to London next year for a dual degree program! :D
Good luck coping, and keep the crazy to a minimum!
