So, I'm about to take this Journalism test

with nary an idea of what I'm walking into. Maybe I should have combed the internet for top news stories, looked up influential politicians, critical social events across the world... in fact, I should probably be doing that right now! Instead, I'm sitting here sipping my Chai Tea Latte, and writing in this blog.

My mom has recently taken on this very hippy, fate-will-take-its-course approach to life, which is extremely unlike most Asian parents, and a little more similar to my approach. A few days ago when I talked to her about a major job interview, she said, "If it's yours, you'll get it. If it's not, there isn't anything you can do about it."

Of course that's an over-simplified statement, and there are a billion things you can do every moment to alter your fate, change things for yourself, without rendering your will completely useless. However, I do also believe that a larger course runs through most major events, and you know how sometimes you just get that feeling... like it's meant to be, as if some paths are just destined for you? Or am I just crazy?

I may be taking too much comfort in this theory, but today, I feel like I'll allow fate to have a little more control, let her point me in the right direction while both my hands are still grasped tightly around the steering wheel. If I'm meant to be a writer, if somehow those journalistic bloods and intuition run in my veins, I will ace this test no matter how hard I "study" for it. The words will hopefully just spill from my fingertips. But if not, well, at least that talent isn't my breadwinner!

Anyway, I'm about as ready as I can be, so Destiny, deal me my hand! :]

It's amazing how

I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for in my life, every single day.

Sometimes I forget to remember the big picture. <3

I guess it’s a pretty well-known fact that relationships are bound to, no matter how independent and individual you’ve always imagined yourself to be, change and seep into you in one way or another. It’s a Catch 22… you either keep all of yourself and hold the relationship at a distance, or give over to the relationship and lose part of yourself. At least in my eyes, that’s how the choices pan out.

Giving yourself to the relationship… Is that a good thing? I’m not really sure, depends on both parties, I suppose.

There’s this crazy idea I’ve heard somewhere of “sharing”. That once you’re invested in the relationship, it’s not about giving or taking. It’s not about losing yourself in it or completing yourself as a whole, it’s about sharing. Your thoughts, dreams, hopes, insecurities, lattes and nachos…. Everything, or at least Something. Well, nachos are meant to be communal… but still.

Is it wrong to hold yourself so closely that you’re afraid to share? That if you give yourself away, the other party might not understand the value of it and accidentally hurt, crumple, or even slightly tarnish this invaluable treasure? Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to, or be completely ready to share. The idea of someone witnessing you, your life, your story… and deciding what to do with it, is terrifying. The idea of actually caring about someone’s judgment of you, is terrifying.

In the past few months, the idea of “me” has slowly slipped out… whereto? I have no idea. Definitely not into the relationship. I was so afraid of having it taken away from me that it might’ve evaporated somewhere between all the questions and doubts and worries. This relationship thing, being vulnerable thing, caring-way-too-much-about-one-person thing, is unfamiliar to me.

There’s a balance between a “me” and an “us” I was struggling with. I’ve been vacillating violently between the two, between ‘individual’ and ‘couple’, between highs and lows, certainty and fear, dragging both of us up and down the whimsy roller coaster of my emotions.

The idea of molding and melding into something or someone else is still deeply unsettling to me. And just recently I’ve found a bit of solid, internal ground, a balance that I am comfortable with. But I’m still feeling it out, making sure that no shaky steps will send me toppling into confusion again.

Maybe it’s time to drop the ‘fiercely’ title from my placard to just plain 'independent'. Sometimes being fierce is good. But maybe I should reallocate that fierceness towards something less distant, less separate and antagonistic, less destructive to the both of us. At times, it's hard to remember if it's a relationship or a war, a tug-of-war, with my individuality as the rope. But it’s ok to lower the shields. Just an inch or two, enough to still have it hovering in front of the vital parts.

And sometimes sharing is good, too. Especially when someone else has long ago laid all their goods out in the open, waiting for me to reciprocate, even just a bit. And what's even better is that they also know where to get the best nachos (Baja Buds ;)

Once my graduate school applications started, everything I wanted to do just elusively slipped out of my hands. Like one of those days back at UCLA when I’m writing an English paper and shut the door to my room without emerging til im satisfied, only to find that a day has gone by. Except this was months. I began stressing irrationally and basically wasting energy and time worrying about how there just isn’t enough, well, time. And all the “can’t”s started to make their way into my vocabulary a lot more than I would ever have liked.

I basically stopped watching TV. Which isn’t too much of a change. But now, it’s come to the point where TV shows are like urban legends, updated through word of mouth. What’s that again? Ted’s still looking for the mother of his children and the cast of Glee still builds predictable plots around acapella remakes of popular top 40 songs? Well I guess skipping out on a few seasons isn’t really all that damaging. But I do miss watching Tony Bourdain wander the earth in all his badass sarcastic glory.

What is sad, though, is that I ran out of time to do a lot of things I actually care about. I’ve been reading the same book for months just because there isn’t enough time to sit down and finish from cover to cover. And the list of books I want to read just accumulates in the back of my mind. I forgot what it feels like to not rush through the pages but just soak in the rich characters and settings, and relish the poetic diction and style of great writing.

I can’t remember the last time I had time to discover new artists performing in LA and hear them play live, one of my favorite things about living in Los Angeles. I haven’t been able to follow small artists gather fans and break out of their folksie, hipster, struggling musician phases, and hear about them on the radio months and years later. In fact, what bums me out the most is that I haven’t been able to just fall into music without any distractions, instead of using music as a distraction.

I miss painting, writing, playing the piano, picking up random hobbies for fun, and working on projects that strike me on a whim.

I think what I miss most, though, is just having time to experience Los Angeles on my own. To shop along Melrose, find a new café, stroll down Abbot Kinney, spend a day at a museum, drink at a new bar with friends, etc. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t scrambling to drive from my apartment to somewhere else. I can’t even remember the last time my duffle bag wasn’t stuffed with the first set of clean laundry, sitting in the trunk of my car with clothes toppling out of the broken zipper.

This is not to say that I haven’t enjoyed the past 6 months of hair-raising, nail-biting stress, with nary a second to take a breath before I’m on the move again… I actually love that inevitable chaos. But I miss the chaos that I used to live with, that also comes with an overriding sense of peace and self-possession, when I did things for myself and for a purpose, instead of being splattered and scattered everywhere.

After my applications are over next weekend, maybe I’ll just retreat for a bit, and recharge. Maybe I’ll stay in one place for more than a few days. Maybe I’ll sit in my room with the lights off, listen to music, light some candles, and just close my eyes and drift. Maybe I’ll sleep in with nothing on my agenda for the next morning, and see where my mood takes me when I wake up. Or maybe I will have agendas, and enjoy them.

Yeah, that sounds nice. Maybe I’ll find the peace of mind within the chaos again.

here's to you, 2011!

I’ve always felt as if New Years was just an excuse for procrastination. Like, “Next year I’ll pay my bills on time, get car insurance (shhhh!), maybe health insurance, be a better person, maybe be punctual (well lets face it, that’ll never happen), blah blah la dee dah.” As if you had to wait for the new year to tell you that changes are allowed to be made. Why wait? Every year is just an arbitrary mark of time.

But this year, my perspective on ‘New Year’s’ have changed. I think God, or whichever scientist who measured earth’s rotations and figured out some cycle of time, created the ‘New Year’ marks as a little reminder that it’s never too late to be better, to make changes, to live fuller lives. As extremely Hallmark as it sounds, to me, New Years are like time-marks for hope. As if, having been burnt out for the past couple weeks, months, years, it rejuvenates you and lets you feel as if all the baggage has been dropped, all the past mistakes have been erased, and even if you’re not a completely new person just because the clock struck 12, you can be a better, freer, happier person.

I used to only have “life resolutions” because I believed that the only thing I should live by is to embrace every moment to the fullest, cherish and love the wonderful people around me, be the best person I can be, embrace this infinitely beautiful world. (I know, gag.) Constantly, perpetually, not just because December is coming to an end. And of course, all those things I still believe.

This year, though, a lot of my resolutions are actually concrete. And personal, so I wont relay them here. But besides embracing the joy and beauty in every moment of life, I’ve realized that no matter how perfect we may feel we are, resolutions are opportunities, maybe one of the few people actually have, to reflect back on your year, your self, and see what improvements you can make to get what you want most out of life. And yes, maybe there shouldn’t be set windows that force you to turn around and reevaluate, maybe we should all just constantly be doing that, constantly looking at ourselves and trying to be better and grasping the infinite opportunities that are always available. But this New Years I peeped through the window and realized that the improvements I decide to make now, however small and insignificant, the attempt can evolve into something permanent that I take with me for the rest of my life. We’ve all got to start somewhere, right?

So I’m a few days late and my New-Years-grab-someone-and-kiss-them-with-all-your-might-and-heart moment wasn’t exactly ideal. I’ve always had this odd superstition that the way you spend your New Years Day and the people you spend it with, is indicative of the rest of your year. And my New Years Day was spent in a hodge-podge of a mess, trying to capture everything that I want my ‘new year’ to be. But I know now that, if anything, New Years Day is a time-mark, a brief reminder for us to be better people, but also to allow ourselves to hope and believe that life can, and will, always be better.

Vegas, Malibu, LA, home, everywhere, wherever… even though I didn’t get to see EVERYBODY on 1/1/11, even though the moment that the rest of the world blows up to be one of the most momentous of the past 365 days and the next 365 days didn’t live up to the accumulated expectations that I never had in the first place, I get to see all the people I love and people whom I cherish, these days and for the rest of my life. New Years Day is of course important, and I love everybody who made, and make, an effort to spend time together with me. And I have, and always will, value each and every person who is important to me, and the moments and memories we have (alright, I'll stop!)

We all designate our own fresh starts and the way we want to live our lives, and I designate that it’s never too late :]

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE <3