It's nearing my last month in New York

Will I ever live here again?  I truly hope so.

New York is absolutely drop dead gorgeous.  It's an experience, one of the most beautiful ones I've ever been lucky enough to go through.  Full of odd ends, cacophonous sounds, grimy sights, and overload of senses that somehow manages to captivate and overwhelm you at the same time... and just when you think the claustrophobia is going to drive you insane, winter rolls around and Christmas lights, holiday markets, and tourists sipping hot apple cider, draws you in and makes you feel like you're living in a snow globe.  And when springtime brings cherry blossoms into full bloom, you might even overlook the rats crawling around the disgusting, rickety MTA.

Honestly, it still amazes me that Times Square hasn't exploded from a huge power outage.

My time in New York was shorter than I thought it would be.  In fact, I will not even have been here for a full year.  I feel like I was just beginning to make my dent here, find my comfort zone, set up camp.  My daily coffee at the nearby market, my weekly runs through Central Park and Riverside Park, my frequent stops to Columbia's farmer's markets, my favorite study spots around campus, the freshest deli within walking distance... barely established before I have to leave it all.

Since I first stepped foot in NYC almost 3 years ago after graduating from UCLA, I knew I would live here someday.  The smells, sounds, lights, chaos, people, dynamism... unreal.  I fell in love.  There is literally no other city like this on the planet.

Some days when I walk around this city and look up at towering, gleaming buildings jutting against the sky and the determined, rapid strides of true New Yorkers, I feel like I've got the streets, the rhythms, the movements ingrained in my bloodstream.  I was born to live here.  Other times when the days are long and I'm packed in a subway train next to seemingly emotionless urban drones, I reminisce about the warm ocean breeze and laid back coffee shops in LA, and this thing I used to know called "personal space" and "people not ramming into you every 5 steps".

Next year I'll be in London.  London is a city I've always loved and appreciated, but never imagined I would live in one day.  New York is fast and dirty and tough and quick, with rough edges that are so familiar to me.  London is a piece of delicate china, with 'look but don't touch' written all over it, ringing bells of tea time and dandys and pocket watches and finger-sandwiches.  Oh and, popped collars.

When I looked into the future a few years ago, I saw skyscrapers and smog, and the Brooklyn Bridge pressed against the Manhattan skyline.  I thought I would be in New York for at least the next 3 to 4 years.  With that plan uprooted, now when I look into the future, I'm not really sure exactly what I see.  It could be Piccadilly Circus. It could also be me eating a Bratwurst during Oktoberfest in Germany. It could be doing fieldwork in Madagascar.  It could be looking over sand dunes in Morocco.  It could be anything... it could be everything!

My time at SIPA has taught me not to limit my sights, not to settle on any horizon, and not to become too comfortable with a single plan, because those can easily be overturned.  While leaving New York is certainly slightly saddening, I'm excited to make my mark in a new place, a new circumstance, create a new picture for the future with everything I've learned here.  There was a time when I thought the world was at my fingertips, and since SIPA, that world has exploded ten-fold.  In fact, I'm pretty sure our atlas couldn't possibly have mapped everything in this world.

I'm not sure where I'll be 2 years from now... and 5 years from now?  Unfathomable.  I was recently asked that question during an interview. I was completely stumped and made something indiscernible up... I still can't recall exactly what I said, and I don't attempt to prepare an answer for that question if I ever get asked that in the future.  It takes 5 years to answer a question like that!

I can make plans, set sights, settle down... but regardless, life will ignore it all and open doors to the most unlikely places.  If I get too comfortable in one spot, I might just have my head buried when that doorway opens up.

That door can lead to places I can't even imagine.  It can be good, it can be bad... it will definitely be unexpected, and it may even be life changing.

And isn't that the best part?

coping

Something a good friend said recently really stuck with me.  She is currently going through her nursing rotations at mental health facilities.  You know this post is going to go well when my stress levels have made me start to seriously question my sanity.

She basically said the biggest difference between people who are sane vs. crazy people (yes, medically correct term) is that we have better coping mechanisms. The ability to adapt, assimilate, adjust, or whatever you want to call it, makes us behave within and incorporate societal norms, aka not have a psycho smackdown with the next person who bumps into you on the subway.

Think of all the obsessive/neurotic/compulsive/high-maintenance people you know (and tell me who they are next time so I can avoid them), people who have trouble letting things go, freak out over uncomfortable situations... don't they seem crazy?! Slightly? (go ahead and nod)

Except its kind of scary when I really think about it, because I think I've been teetering on the edge of how much I can cope with, and exactly how to cope.

Balancing five classes on top of an internship while job hunting for this summer and attempting to maintain human relationships doesn't really leave much time to myself.  Priceless "me" time and "me" thoughts.  Not me as a student, me as a potential employee, me as a friend, daughter, sister, classmate.  Just me.  Time where I can listen to emo songs alone in my room and ponder about life and things like why my lips are always uber chapped no matter how much water I drink. (ahem, first world problems)

Lack of sleep is probably also contributing to this problem.  Even on days when I actually have the chance to get more than 3-5 hours of sleep, I physically can't sleep longer because my brain stresses about all the things I have to do, all the things I should be doing instead of sleeping. I wake up constantly throughout most nights and can't fall back asleep.

My enthusiasm is starting to wane, I'm more irritable, stressed out about pointless things, inconsiderate of other people's needs. Which is a huge problem and needs MAJOR addressing. Cuz I don't want to be that bitchy girl who gets mad when someone cuts me in line for coffee. New York really does breed a new race of humanity.

Certain things used to be really effective coping mechanisms... running, writing, baking, music, etc. But I've noticed that lately they've all either started to lose appeal, or doesn't relieve stress anymore.

Especially running.  Running used to be the best form of stress relief. It used to be the only time my brain doesn't actually have to work, and I can lace up the sneaks and go, and pound the pavement to some kanye and weezy! But lately it's been turning into a slightly unhealthy form of control.  My running performance is one of the few things that I can actively control, and see visible and immediate results.  Hence, I'm beginning to care about it a lot more than I should, and improving my speed has become an arbitrary goal.

And what's worse, my appetite has gone down dramatically.  Which is weird for someone who is running more. I hardly ever crave anything even when I'm really hungry, and food just doesn't really taste good anymore. Which is atrocious because I LOVE food, and junk food EVEN MORE!!!

So what happens when you start to lose your coping mechanisms? Or when your coping mechanisms actually start adding stress to your life? Early signs of a mental breakdown?

I am aware that I have the ability to change any aspect of my life that I am unhappy with, especially something as straightforward as a lifestyle choice.  And it probably sounds a lot worse than it is, like I am going to collapse somewhere on my 10th lap around central park with giant bags under my eyes.  It's really not that bad at all, and I'm still definitely aware of how lucky I am to be experiencing everything in my life, and am in no way complaining or feeling ungrateful.

I've just noticed a change in my approach and my mentality, or in other words, how much more I've let stress get to me than I used to.

I am already working on it, cutting myself some slack, taking time to enjoy little things and very importantly, using more chap stick! Obsessiveness is way too exhausting to be a defining characteristic of mine.

I do need a vacation though. Spring Break, you can't come soon enough!

PS. I'm going to London next year for a dual degree program!  :D

Good luck coping, and keep the crazy to a minimum!