breach of security

I used to get this really good runners high every time I went running. I would feel like a million bucks combined with an animal/beast (Usher style). But for the last couple months, I’ve barely been getting any runners highs… and I was trying to figure out why. This morning was the hardest run ever, I barely made 6 miles and I walked some parts of it too :( probably because I only had 5 hours of sleep last night and went to bed hungry because all my food is at my office, and my apartment (aka. 3rd home) was unstocked so I only had hot chocolate for dinner. That sounds sadder than it is… the hot chocolate came with Lakers tickets :]

I haven’t been feeling like myself for a while, and it almost for surely has to do with a certain someone else that I have to give a damn about in my life nowadays.

I’ve noticed that one tiny aspect of how I behave is subconsciously different. What I mean to say is, no matter how confident and secure I was being single, being in a relationship altered/alters the way I view security and priorities. And it’s reflected in everything I do, how I approach life, including I guess, running.

I used to run to relieve stress and to just have time to think; there’s something about delivering barely enough oxygen to your brain that makes your head extremely clear. But ever since my schedule has cleared up because I crossed off “freak out like an obsessive neurotic over grad school apps while using Mike as a punching bag to relieve stress” on my list of things to do, and ever since we’ve moved closer and closer towards that “1-year” mark in our relationship, I’ve noticed that maybe this feeling I have of “happiness” and “contentment” is taking a little edge of off this drive I use to get from having to ponder and contemplate and philosophize things I didn’t know about yet.

Does this mean Mike is sucking away my runner's high like a parasite? Haha I think it just means I need a mentality adjustment. I still have personal goals, ambitions, challenges of course… a never-ending list of them. But somehow I always picture 2 people in my mind when I think about the future instead of 1 now… and I don’t know if I’m perfectly OK with that yet. I don’t like the alien intrusion into my projected future. I wonder if I can get back into this singular groove of mine that I used to have, or if it’s just something that comes with the territory… security, reliance, comfort. But not in that old-married couple kind of way, just in that one-less-thing-to-wonder-about kind of way.

At least while I'm running, I need to pull myself away from this 50-50 thing. My thoughts should be more like 85-15 because I don't feel like sharing my neurons just yet, and also because I am conceited, solipsistic, and self-absorbed.

--I wonder what are the true motivations for how people behave, and how much do relationships change people, and is it as much of a battle for every other person as it is for me?

Oh, and it’s probably also harder to run because I don’t have a rockin playlist to jam to anymore, since I don’t know what kids these days use to dl music illegally! Help!

Anyway! That being said, all in all the relationship hasn’t changed too much of myself externally, except that all the things I’ve always wanted to do, which is basically everything in the whole world, I now have 1 person to convince to come with me, instead of like 20 ppl to convince. YESSS One step closer to accomplishing my lifelong goal of eating ice cream from every single country from the entire world! :D

And luckily for me, I have a very obliging boyfriend who most of the time does exactly what I want :] and we only very rarely have to do what he wants. I think that’s what people mean when they say relationships take compromise.

Thank gosh I won’t be running in the LA Marathon… which is coming up in less than a month! I probably would have made it, but you would have found me in a heap at the finish line, where I’d have to be wheeled to the nearest In-n-Out and down double doubles for hours before I can move again.

OH MY GOODNESS. I just had an idea… when I finish the SF marathon in July, I want to head STRAIGHT to an all you can eat sushi bar! Droolllllllll….. I wonder how much I would have to pay Mike, or any slave within commanding distance, to carry me from the finish line to the car, and then the car to the restaurant, and feed yellowtail and salmon into my mouth at 25 second intervals, 5 seconds of course to go “mmmmmm” with my eyes closed and a big smile plastered on… hmmm.