even if it ain't all it seems, I've got a pocket full of dreams

I've had about 4-5 months of doing everything I want to do, and nothing I don't. In all this time, I've taken trips near and far, ate a lot, drank a lot more, spent time with family, friends, and other loved ones, scattering my time away in a carefree haze. Oh, and I guess some days I went to work.

There are a small set of emails in my Gmail box designated to the "Grad School" tab... and those are the emails I've often opened and looked at, but have chosen to neglect. Well, in addition to my "Bills :(" tab which is another sad story.

Amongst those emails include a 184-pg Math Review set I have to look over before I take an assessment test, which includes Calculus problems I haven't encountered since wretched Ms. Kimura's 6:30AM Calculus BC class in Senior yr of high school. And also a Journalism opportunity that ends next week, requiring me to skim 2 books on Authoritarian Governments and pitch them, and then draft a 750 word writing sample (of what I still have no clue). Whoopee!

Anyway, I've let my whims take me where it will for so long that I've forgotten how it feels to begrudgingly do something that takes real effort and time away from "fun", and I really don't want to but know I have to

... and yet in some twisted way, secretly enjoy doing it. Like studying non-stop for Finals Weeks during college. Don't hate me, but I loved knowing that all I had to do for the entire days ahead was study my brains out... I kinda enjoyed it. I'm a freako. In other words, practicing self-discipline is something I haven't had to do for the last 4-5 months. And I'm dreading it, but also looking forward to it.

I've forgotten that feeling of reward and accomplishment you get from mastering a challenging idea, or even simply learning about something new. The greatest challenge I've had since finishing grad-school apps are running long distances to prepare for the Marathon... difficult, but not exactly the same.

I'm eager and enthused to finally start learning again, particularly applicable knowledge that will be practical for future issues like World Politics, the Environment, International Governments, Economic Development, etc. etc... vast problems that extend beyond my tiny, insignificant existence. At the same time, I'm terrified and shaking in my shoes. I'm excited to meet people who have done so much more than I have, know so much more than I do, and soak it all in from them and with them... but also extremely intimidated and anxious about being the only clueless student in an ocean of intelligent, aggressive, ambitious, cut-throat do-gooders.

I have about a month left here and I have a lot to prepare for, including and most importantly, composing a different state-of-mind. I was told that UCLA would be competitive, but I've never felt even an ounce of competition the entire 4 years I was there. Definitely not in the English department, but also not even in my Business Economics courses.

Maybe I'm just oblivious, but I'm hoping that I can demolish the competitive atmosphere by setting up a Happy Hour group so that we can all kick back and get along talk about microfinancing ventures over cheap appetizers and beer for the next 2 yrs.

Just because Grad School is starting soon, doesn't have to mean that all the fun is ending. It will be a different type of fun! And while it might be stressful, demanding, challenging, maybe excruciating at times...

I'm chasing my dreams :]

The biggest challenges are always the most rewarding!  Another journey is about to begin... better make sure I don't forget to pack my A-game :]