This weekend my dad visited us because he was in town for a business trip! Since we don't get to see him too often, I really do enjoy it when he comes, and try to make him feel as welcomed as possible. Sometimes I wonder how he gets on the way he does… 5 day atlas-crossing business trips, major jetlag, stress-consuming job…

One Friday when I got out of work early and was running along Santa Monica pier, I noticed all sorts of people leisurely soaking up the sun… people who work nearby taking breaks, parents strolling with their kids, fitness buddies running together… but in particular, I noticed this one Asian man who was fully dressed in his business suit pacing along the path. He caught my attention not only because he was wearing a business suit by the beach on a sunny day, but because he looked out to the ocean with this sense of longing, like he was completely lost in thought and separated from the rest of the world. He didn’t seem menacing or was lurking creepily in any way, just kind of wandering… with the most prevailing sense of loneliness.

Now, I have no way of knowing if the loneliness is my projection, my interpretation of his demeanor… he could have just won the lottery or something and was celebrating by the beach.

But anyway, sometimes I look at my dad and I wonder if he’s lonely, or if he wishes he had a family around, or simply just that he wasn't by himself all the time. And I wonder what he thinks about when he’s so lost in thought, which is basically all the time. And I wonder if, when he takes weekly walks in the park (which I know he does), others look at him and feel a tinge of sympathy for him, and see what I saw when I looked at the man at the beach --a kind-hearted middle-aged man who appears to be lost in melancholic contemplation, walking aimlessly.

I felt more than a tinge of sympathy, because for some reason looking at the man by the beach that day caused a world of loneliness to sweep over me as if I could feel the longing and emptiness of every single person in the world. Does he have a family? Does he have friends? What is he thinking about? What happened to him? Why is he at the beach by himself in the middle of the day? Does anything make him happy? Why do people feel so removed from the world sometimes, as if no one can ever understand? And why some people moreso than others? The contrast to the sunny beach and crashing waves and happy families was a bit disconcerting.

And if he were anything like my dad, then he may not be unhappy, but he most likely isn’t content and happy, either.

I once noticed another man when I was at a UCLA Vivaldi concert with my mom, sister, and Mike. He was sitting in the Powell Rotunda, and I noticed him because he was just as entranced by the music as I was. He came alone, and he had a pleasant smile wiped across his face, captivated by the harmonies of the music, sitting in the very back corner, unaware of anybody around him. I thought it was interesting that this unassuming Asian man in his 30’s came to the show by himself, simply ready to be captured by the music.

A few weeks later, I noticed him again while I was running around my neighborhood, and this time he was biking somewhere. Pedaling steadily, without rush, the same pleasant smile across his face, the wind slightly feathering his hair. I know he didn’t notice me at all, nor is he probably even aware that we were at the same concert together. He was just as lost in his own world. It actually didn’t completely register with me that it was the same man until I had passed him.

Seeing this second man brought a different sense of solitude, one of subtle joy and appreciation, for life and all the little intricacies weaved within it. He also emanated a sense of loneliness, maybe because both times I saw him, he was by himself. But instead of feeling sympathetic towards him, I felt a sense of comprehension and reassurance. As if he still enjoys life, even though he may not have the conventional family surrounding him, the camaraderie of friends, the grind and nonchalance of the everyday.

Lots of people have to face this world alone, whether in long or brief stints, or for their entire lives. I went through a period of obsession with loneliness when I was younger, hoping and praying that nobody I loved would ever have to feel a speck of loneliness, which of course I know is impossible. I thought it was the most abominable and dreadful facets of life, and I've tried my best to prevent anyone I love from feeling that. But I also know that it is unavoidable.

And I hope for my dad, that rather than that desolate loneliness that swept me when I saw the man by the beach, it is a sense of comfort, humanity, and poignant solitude that tinges him and other people when they cross my dad’s path, whether he is eating dinner alone at a restaurant, waiting by the airport alone for his next business flight, or taking a stroll by himself in the park.

breach of security

I used to get this really good runners high every time I went running. I would feel like a million bucks combined with an animal/beast (Usher style). But for the last couple months, I’ve barely been getting any runners highs… and I was trying to figure out why. This morning was the hardest run ever, I barely made 6 miles and I walked some parts of it too :( probably because I only had 5 hours of sleep last night and went to bed hungry because all my food is at my office, and my apartment (aka. 3rd home) was unstocked so I only had hot chocolate for dinner. That sounds sadder than it is… the hot chocolate came with Lakers tickets :]

I haven’t been feeling like myself for a while, and it almost for surely has to do with a certain someone else that I have to give a damn about in my life nowadays.

I’ve noticed that one tiny aspect of how I behave is subconsciously different. What I mean to say is, no matter how confident and secure I was being single, being in a relationship altered/alters the way I view security and priorities. And it’s reflected in everything I do, how I approach life, including I guess, running.

I used to run to relieve stress and to just have time to think; there’s something about delivering barely enough oxygen to your brain that makes your head extremely clear. But ever since my schedule has cleared up because I crossed off “freak out like an obsessive neurotic over grad school apps while using Mike as a punching bag to relieve stress” on my list of things to do, and ever since we’ve moved closer and closer towards that “1-year” mark in our relationship, I’ve noticed that maybe this feeling I have of “happiness” and “contentment” is taking a little edge of off this drive I use to get from having to ponder and contemplate and philosophize things I didn’t know about yet.

Does this mean Mike is sucking away my runner's high like a parasite? Haha I think it just means I need a mentality adjustment. I still have personal goals, ambitions, challenges of course… a never-ending list of them. But somehow I always picture 2 people in my mind when I think about the future instead of 1 now… and I don’t know if I’m perfectly OK with that yet. I don’t like the alien intrusion into my projected future. I wonder if I can get back into this singular groove of mine that I used to have, or if it’s just something that comes with the territory… security, reliance, comfort. But not in that old-married couple kind of way, just in that one-less-thing-to-wonder-about kind of way.

At least while I'm running, I need to pull myself away from this 50-50 thing. My thoughts should be more like 85-15 because I don't feel like sharing my neurons just yet, and also because I am conceited, solipsistic, and self-absorbed.

--I wonder what are the true motivations for how people behave, and how much do relationships change people, and is it as much of a battle for every other person as it is for me?

Oh, and it’s probably also harder to run because I don’t have a rockin playlist to jam to anymore, since I don’t know what kids these days use to dl music illegally! Help!

Anyway! That being said, all in all the relationship hasn’t changed too much of myself externally, except that all the things I’ve always wanted to do, which is basically everything in the whole world, I now have 1 person to convince to come with me, instead of like 20 ppl to convince. YESSS One step closer to accomplishing my lifelong goal of eating ice cream from every single country from the entire world! :D

And luckily for me, I have a very obliging boyfriend who most of the time does exactly what I want :] and we only very rarely have to do what he wants. I think that’s what people mean when they say relationships take compromise.

Thank gosh I won’t be running in the LA Marathon… which is coming up in less than a month! I probably would have made it, but you would have found me in a heap at the finish line, where I’d have to be wheeled to the nearest In-n-Out and down double doubles for hours before I can move again.

OH MY GOODNESS. I just had an idea… when I finish the SF marathon in July, I want to head STRAIGHT to an all you can eat sushi bar! Droolllllllll….. I wonder how much I would have to pay Mike, or any slave within commanding distance, to carry me from the finish line to the car, and then the car to the restaurant, and feed yellowtail and salmon into my mouth at 25 second intervals, 5 seconds of course to go “mmmmmm” with my eyes closed and a big smile plastered on… hmmm.

And, in the end, the love you take...

Don't people always say that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone?

It's strange to say, but I used to get into these phases, periods, whateveryawannacallits, where I think, "It's here. I'm happy right now. Enjoy it, soak it up, savor and treasure every minute of it, because you don't know how long it will last, and life is about moments, feelings, people like these." In fact, I used to have a lot of moments like those. Of never taking anything, anyone, for granted. And then, just for a little while, I forgot to appreciate them as much.

Recently, I've been getting that feeling quite often again, almost constantly. I'm just happy, and there's no particular reason for it, or maybe ALL the reason for it. Where I just feel rejuvenated and jubilant, enthused and excited, and I want to do EVERYTHING and love everything under the sun!!! (can u guess I'm feeling it right now?)

So I got to wondering... what makes a person happy, truly content, with this inherent sense of joy and internal peace? What are the complicated and intricate little elements and nuances that, combined, make someone not just alive, but allow them to radiate, emanate, and embody pure joy? Is it sharing a bottle of wine and a delicious meal with close friends? Baking cookies and watching the people you love eat them? Running along the beach on a nice day? Jumping out of a plane with a parachute? Snuggling up in a down blanket? Expressing yourself in a piece of artwork and having others appreciate it? Traveling? Winning at rock paper scissors? Maybe 3 scoops of pistachio gelato?

"Happiness" in itself is a vague concept. It can mean almost anything, from brief, fleeting, satisfaction to deep, settling contentment and sense of purpose. Time Magazine has a pretty interesting article on happiness, even a list of 20 things that can make you happier. Even better, Los Angeles Magazine has 50. The New Yorker, of course, will have an opinion about everything. Gretchen Rubin wrote a book on how to amp the happiness in your life, in an orderly 12-step fashion. Real Simple's January issue on happiness caught my eye most recently. Every great thinker, writer, human being with a brain, will have thoughts, ideas, goals to achieve happiness. And all those things are true, I would say. All those, processes, checklists, research studies...

But to me, there's also something else that's innate, unexplainable and completely abstract. Like a magical piece of the puzzle that, once fitted, stays there and just makes sense, and allows everything else to align. Like the exhilaration you feel the moment you figure out how to ride a bike, or carve on a snowboard (which I will soon do!), that feeling to the infinite exponential. anything you've ever done where it all falls into place perfectly, as if you've just taken a step along the path that will lead you down the greatest road in your universe. And having that feeling last beyond the brief minute or hour or day, cherishing it and carrying the feeling onto your life.

I'm not proclaiming to know what happiness is, what makes people happy, or anything about happiness at all. In fact, I'm sure I'm not making any sense, and everything I've said is just gibberish. I still dont know anything about happiness. All I know is, is that it is complicated and symbiotic, and everyone has their own unique recipe. It's a compilation of loving and supportive family and friends, experiencing exciting, adventurous, and uninhibited moments, accomplishing something challenging, new relationships, shared memories, learning and growing, silliness and amazingsauce, chocolate brownie goo, the ocean breeze mixed with the sun against your skin, blaring music with the windows down, sweating like a pig while dancing your heart out to gangster rap, bright colors, berry smoothies, french toast at The Griddle, a bouquet of flowers, the smell of fresh herbs... dashes and handfuls and pints and a mixture of a million things. But the most vital ingredient, at least in my book, is sharing with others. Anything... laughter, love, high fives, skittles, maybe some cuts and bruises... because sharing inevitably reap rewards ten-fold. At least that's what I've discovered in my life thus far.

I don't know if there are any secret to happiness, and I'm not even attempting to find out. I'm just living it. Enjoying it. Relishing it for as long as I can. And if there are more secrets, hopefully I'll learn them all in the years to come :]

and of course, patent that shit and sell it for the big bucks.