joie de vivre

I guess it’s a pretty well-known fact that relationships are bound to, no matter how independent and individual you’ve always imagined yourself to be, change and seep into you in one way or another. It’s a Catch 22… you either keep all of yourself and hold the relationship at a distance, or give over to the relationship and lose part of yourself. At least in my eyes, that’s how the choices pan out.

Giving yourself to the relationship… Is that a good thing? I’m not really sure, depends on both parties, I suppose.

There’s this crazy idea I’ve heard somewhere of “sharing”. That once you’re invested in the relationship, it’s not about giving or taking. It’s not about losing yourself in it or completing yourself as a whole, it’s about sharing. Your thoughts, dreams, hopes, insecurities, lattes and nachos…. Everything, or at least Something. Well, nachos are meant to be communal… but still.

Is it wrong to hold yourself so closely that you’re afraid to share? That if you give yourself away, the other party might not understand the value of it and accidentally hurt, crumple, or even slightly tarnish this invaluable treasure? Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to, or be completely ready to share. The idea of someone witnessing you, your life, your story… and deciding what to do with it, is terrifying. The idea of actually caring about someone’s judgment of you, is terrifying.

In the past few months, the idea of “me” has slowly slipped out… whereto? I have no idea. Definitely not into the relationship. I was so afraid of having it taken away from me that it might’ve evaporated somewhere between all the questions and doubts and worries. This relationship thing, being vulnerable thing, caring-way-too-much-about-one-person thing, is unfamiliar to me.

There’s a balance between a “me” and an “us” I was struggling with. I’ve been vacillating violently between the two, between ‘individual’ and ‘couple’, between highs and lows, certainty and fear, dragging both of us up and down the whimsy roller coaster of my emotions.

The idea of molding and melding into something or someone else is still deeply unsettling to me. And just recently I’ve found a bit of solid, internal ground, a balance that I am comfortable with. But I’m still feeling it out, making sure that no shaky steps will send me toppling into confusion again.

Maybe it’s time to drop the ‘fiercely’ title from my placard to just plain 'independent'. Sometimes being fierce is good. But maybe I should reallocate that fierceness towards something less distant, less separate and antagonistic, less destructive to the both of us. At times, it's hard to remember if it's a relationship or a war, a tug-of-war, with my individuality as the rope. But it’s ok to lower the shields. Just an inch or two, enough to still have it hovering in front of the vital parts.

And sometimes sharing is good, too. Especially when someone else has long ago laid all their goods out in the open, waiting for me to reciprocate, even just a bit. And what's even better is that they also know where to get the best nachos (Baja Buds ;)